Most guys I know feel that they don’t need help with their game (they do, we all do), whether their game is used for meeting dozens of beautiful models or just talking to that one special girl we all could use a little help. On the other side of the coin women have a deeper understanding that they could use a little help landing Mr. Right, nearly once a week a female friend comes forward and asks me for some help. Here is IDM’s definitive guide to meeting and landing Mr. Right this summer.

Traditionally, meeting Mr. Right is more of a passive activity, this guide will focus on being actively passive. More or less, making sure you are putting the best ingredients together for him to approach.

Looks – Physical attraction is important, millions of years of evolution ensured that we are looking for a healthy mate that will produce viable offspring, even though we aren’t battling sabre toothed tigers those evolutionary bi-products are still there.  You should look good when you leave the house, teeth should be clean and white, hair should be clean looking, clothing should be well fitting and feminine. Final message: You don’t want to leave the house looking like Sue Sylvester.

Health – More and more health is becoming important, start going to the gym, quit smoking and cut the sugar out of your diet. We don’t all want to date Marissa Miller, but we do want someone that cares about their health, you can be curvy, skinny or a big beautiful woman, but you should still be healthy. Final message: We don’t want you getting winded walking from the car nor do we want you blowing away on a windy day, we are looking for a life partner after all.

Confidence – I hear “I’m just an average girl” more than I can count. No one wants to date an average girl, no one wants to be average, just because you aren’t a Victoria Secret model that has a Nobel prize and Olympic medal doesn’t mean you are average. What average says to me? is you are willing to settle, you are bored with your life, tell me you are passionate, tell me you aren’t average, maybe you love Star Trek and love playing indoor soccer, that makes you unique. Instead of telling me you are just like everyone else (then why wouldn’t I want to date everyone else?) tell me why you aren’t like everyone else. Final Message – We want someone who is confident, motivated and happy.

Location – Not just for real estate. If you find Nerds sexy, chances are you aren’t going to meet them at some trashy downtown bar. If you want to meet a Doctor stop hanging out at Law School. What I’m getting at that you need to figure out what you are looking for in a man and then put yourself into the circle. Join a summer sports league, join a wine tasting group, join a guild of elves, really, it doesn’t matter what, but that you are actually taking a step forward to meeting the right person. Too many girls go to work, come home, go out with friends and that’s it, those are not ideal situations to meet Mr. Right.  Final Message – You meet a guy that appreciates art at a gallery, not at a night club.

Stay tuned for part 2.

please, please, please go on a date with me? No? pleeeeease?

Would you like me to kick you in the shin?

The 99% of people would say a definite “NO” to this answer. I mean who really wants a kick in the shin?

What if I rephrased the question, would people say yes to a kick in the shin?

Would you prefer a kick in the shin or a punch in the face?

Instantly we’ll have the other 99% of people request a kick in the shin.

This all stems from a sales technique – “Don’t give people the option you don’t want them to choose.”
In this technique you learn to ask people either or questions or you assume the answer then then give them a “when” question. When applied to dating it can communicate confidence as well as weed out any chance for her to say no.

Here is how it works – “We should grab a coffee sometime, what day works best for you?” – Here you have assumed that the answer to grabbing a coffee will be yes and you’ve given them the option to set time.  By asking an open ended question it makes it difficult and socially awkward for the person to say NO unless the ultimately think you are a creep they will respond with a day and time they are free and then you can go from there.  Ultimately an attractive girl will be approached thousands of times in her life and as she doesn’t have the time to meet all thousand guys for coffee she has developed an automatic “no” response, using this style of asking will ensure that her automatic “no”  will be averted and she will actually get the chance to meet you.

IDM’s guide to writing a girl’s dating profile:

Listen up girls, we’ve spent the last few months looking at dating profiles, getting messages from girls on ours and evaluating what’s out there. Your goal with your dating profile is to ultimately meet someone and have some form of relationship with them. Here is our official guide to get the most and the best possible responses.

Photos matter – Whether your photos are public or not you should have 3 photos – one head shot, one full body shot, and one photo of you doing something that you love to do. Guys are visual when we look for a car we want to see the car before we buy it, knowing the specs alone won’t get us excited. We don’t want to be surprised that you are 100lbs when we were expecting a full figured goddess and vice a versa. If your photos are not public, when you message a guy, attach the photos, he’s not going to reply to a faceless creature, we want to know what you look like. If we aren’t attracted to you then you are wasting both your time and ours. Don’t post photos of your kids, your dog, your cat or your fish, it’s ok to have any of those but let’s ease us into that.

Most of the profiles have the same style “about me”. Have a look through at some other girls profiles then write yours make sure you are different, make sure you use punctuation, proper spelling and avoid slang. Don’t be afraid to be playful or to state what you are looking for and what you are not looking for. Display some confidence and most of all represent your best self. Finally, keep it short. We don’t want 14 pages on what you do, why you love your dog “Clover” and what type of kittens and ice cream you prefer. Tempt us, tease us, give us your best movie trailer, if we want more we’ll message you.

So you find a guy and you want to message him first.

Don’t:

Write a page about yourself.
Tell him why he’s awesome.
Write a two word msg. “Hi” is not an email.

Do:

Write a short blurb on why you messaged him. “Hey you seem kind of cool, you’re into ______, me too, I could totally kick your butt in it.”
Ask him an obscure but playful question “You seem cool, but to make sure…What is your favourite old school video game?”
Be playful, flirty and brief.

Here is an example of my favourite profile that I have come across:

Hi, I like sarcasm. My life is full of mind blowing drama that I am just waiting to unload on someone. I love having loud public arguments, especially when I get to make comparisons to my past failed relationships. Not only that, but! I am incredibly insecure and physically unattractive that I’ll most likely repeatedly ask you if you think I’m fat, only to say “I know you’re lying!” in response to whatever your answer may be, and somehow use it against you when you have a poker night planned with the boys. <-This paragraph clearly shows that she’s fun, she’s not going to be crazy or obsessive, and respects your space i.e. poker night with the boys and that she has enough of a brain to be funny about it.

In the meantime, I can also be serious, and mention things that I personally enjoy. Such as my family and friends, playing guitar, being active (gym, yoga, the outdoors), my job, travelling, and people that chew with their mouths closed. I love having a good laugh on a daily basis, and being surrounded by people that do the same. <- Ok So we know what she likes and what she does for fun and a typical day for her.

I am looking for someone who’s honest, loyal, caring, sincere and trustworthy. Who has morals, values and interests similar to my own and has an excellent character. Someone well educated and is happy and comfortable with themself, capable of making a commitment. Someone that loves their job, realizing the importance of financial stability, but understanding that there is more to life than materialism. Someone, who in the long run, would genuinely have my best interest at heart. Someone who has respect for the environment. A great sense of humour is a must. Someone that takes care of themself and is health conscious and active. Because yes, superficially speaking, looks are important and key to initial attraction, and being fit and healthy can make you attractive inside and out. <- Like a movie trailer she brought us in with the first part now we are getting to the meat of the story, not to heavy but enough that you really know if this is a film worth seeing and if you are the right audience for it.

So basically, if you’re a self-centered, ‘roid pumping, spray-tanned, arrogant, money hungry, insecure-with-a-chip-on-your-shoulder, unemployed angry highschool drop-out, don’t keep me waiting any longer and message me NOW! <- We finish up the same way we started on a fun playful note. Overall the whole profile is short, fun but serious and we know what she’s looking for so we won’t waste her time.

We left off at the Groom’s favourite pub. Here’s what really made the night -

The Checklist – Xander and I spent an hour one night ensuring that we make the Groom and the rest of the guys get out of their shells and totally rock the night. We came up with a checklist of things that the Groom would have to do and have signed off on by one of us. Here’s the list:

We started the Groom off nice and slow and built it up to the improbable. It made the night fun and no excuses were to be made, if it was on the list, it was to be attempted. Even at the first low-key venue we were flying through the check list.

This worked for a few reasons – The list detached the Groom from responsibility, it was the list incharge, not him. He fearlessly went at every single one as best he could. It allowed him to open girls with a simple “hey can you help me out, I’m on this scavenger hunt and…” NOT one girl was upset, objected or protested to the idea, if they weren’t interested in partaking they would usually offer to buy him a drink or find someone to help him check off an item.

Ok, on to the next venue. We headed up the street to a high end, high class club. The kind of place that has a $25 cover charge and big scary bouncers out front. Xander was not sure until the day of where we were going, so pre-arranging with the manager was not an option. We had no choice but to run game with the bouncers, we started fast and early by joking with them, acting as if we were long lost friends and inquiring to see if the manager was free to greet us. We were in luck, it was just early enough in the night, not to busy yet. Xander ran his magic, chatted up the manager but we ran into a road block, no VIP tables were available for the night. The manager said he’d find something for us and paraded us into the club, neon shirts glowing and all.  The manager walked us into the VIP room that overlooked the club, turned the lights on and set us up with some complimentary drinks. The night was well on it’s way, the rest of the night was a blur, didn’t end till the sun came up and most of the scavenger hunt was complete.

That’s how you throw and awesome bachelor party. Not with money, not with strippers, with confidence, planning and execution.

The man, the shirt, the results.

Last July, Myself, Xander and a few other friends descended upon the San Francisco Bay Area for a week of fun, excitement and “Woo”.

Xander was charged with being the best man, planning, arranging and putting everything together. He had a lot on his plate so I offered up my ideas and my labour to help him get everything he needed done. On the flight in we started trying to conceptualize the bachelor party. Sure, you can take a guy out to a trashy strip club, you can take him paint balling, golfing or to a shooting range.

What we wanted to do was show him a no rule, no limit night of fun. Think louder than 11.

Here’s how we did it…

2 weeks prior to the wedding we decided that t shirts would be needed, a form of peacocking for the night, a way to bring the team feeling together on our night out, and finally a way for us to help find each other in a crowded club. Our shirts were safety green and hot pink, it was impossible to not spot any of us from 1000 yards. Luckily we did not have to try to hide from the police.

2 days prior to the wedding was the day set for the bachelor party. Why? it’s enough time to ensure that all parties involved can be bailed out of jail, found on the roof of a casino, replaced, etc. Further more it allows all hangovers to be recovered from. We also used hotwire.com to find a cheap hotel room, we managed to get a $500 a night room in a downtown hotel for less than $100. This provided a base of operation as well helped set the tone for the night, imagine your friends taking you into a  5 diamond hotel (not star, diamond…) to start your night, remember, it’s always about context.

Once in the hotel we had a few shots, got ready, surprised the groom once again with the t-shirts and some good scotch to drink. He was already buzzing from excitement. This night was destined for greatness.

We had previously found out where his favourite pub was and started there for food and drinks. Xander called in advance to book a large table and get friendly with the manager. During this phone call he set it up that this place was the Groom’s favourite place and that we would be celebrating his coming nuptials.  This takes a page from “the bouncer is your friend”. On arrival the entire staff was aware why we were they and made us right at home, providing excellent service, free drinks.

Stay tuned for part two and the secret of the checklist…

Let me lay this out there first:

Things worth doing are hard, they are going to require effort and you are going to most likely have your ass handed to you numerous times until you start to succeed. Talk to anyone that is exceptional successful in their field and they will collaborate this theory.

Have a look at this graph (yeah, I know, it’s made in mspaint, but it’s here to get a point across, not to look pretty)

At the very start the difficulty of the skill shoots way up in difficulty, it will plateau and then as you become practised it will slowly decline until the difficulty is low. The red zone is the critical zone, this is where most people quit.

It’s too hard

I’m not seeing any improvements

It’s not worth my time

I don’t like it as much as I thought I would

etc.

In reality they haven’t given it enough focus, dedication and do not have enough drive. If you want to get good at something, continue, work hard (and smart) until it becomes easy.

Any stories of something you found difficult and have managed to become good or even great at? share them in the comment box below.

Sunset in the Jungle, something I have always wanted to see.

Whew, I almost ran out of content ideas, it can be a challenge sometimes to find a good topic to write about, especially since I’ve been super busy travelling the world. In the last 2 months I have been all over South East Asia doing somethings I have always wanted to do. Actually I have wanted to do these things since last Spring. Once they came to mind, I put together a plan, figured out the costs and then did everything I had to do to make sure they happen, now they are happening.

Stop number 3 has me at a Muay Thai training camp in Thailand, there are pro UFC fighters, World Champion Kickboxers and the like. On the other side of the coin there are are firemen, engineers, students, teachers, and store clerks. They realized that training Muay Thai was something they wanted to do and they are doing it, not to be the next UFC champion, but simply because they wanted the experience and the excitement that travel and learning can bring. These people have boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, jobs, children, loan payments, cars, homes and family back home. They come from places like Siberia, Germany, England, Brazil, Usa and beyond, some are wealthy some are poor, regardless they are here, getting the most out of the time they have. They stopped looking for the “no” (I can’t because of __________) and found the yes.

Meanwhile there are people sitting at home, constrained by their ideas, limitations of their minds they’ll come across someone that has travelled the South China, that has climbed the highest mountain in Europe, took salsa dancing in Rio or learned Russian in Moscow. They’ll say how much they have always wanted to do something like that but couldn’t because their favourite colour is orange or they like gold fish or some other reason that doesn’t really matter.

As you’ve already figured out I put a lot of energy into personal growth and development, reading, seminars, workshops as well as writing and teaching. Every so often I come across a program or book that is mind blowning-ly  awesome. This is one of those books.

Why Gender Matters

Regardless of your age, your gender or your views on sex you should read this book. It will help explain why and how you think as well as provide one of the greatest insights into the thoughts and wiring of the opposite sex. The knowledge in this book will help your interaction with the opposite sex as well as the interaction with your own sex.

Synopsis

Are boys and girls really that different? Twenty years ago, doctors and researchers didn’t think so. Back then, most experts believed that differences in how girls and boys behave are mainly due to differences in how they were treated by their parents, teachers, and friends.

It’s hard to cling to that belief today. An avalanche of research over the past twenty years has shown that sex differences are more significant and profound than anybody guessed. Sex differences are real, biologically programmed, and important to how children are raised, disciplined, and educated.

In Why Gender Matters, psychologist and family physician Dr. Leonard Sax leads parents through the mystifying world of gender differences by explaining the biologically different ways in which children think, feel, and act. He addresses a host of issues, including discipline, learning, risk taking, aggression, sex, and drugs, and shows how boys and girls react in predictable ways to different situations.

For example, girls are born with more sensitive hearing than boys, and those differences increase as kids grow up. So when a grown man speaks to a girl in what he thinks is a normal voice, she may hear it as yelling. Conversely, boys who appear to be inattentive in class may just be sitting too far away to hear the teacher—especially if the teacher is female.

Likewise, negative emotions are seated in an ancient structure of the brain called the amygdala. Girls develop an early connection between this area and the cerebral cortex, enabling them to talk about their feelings. In boys these links develop later. So if you ask a troubled adolescent boy to tell you what hisfeelings are, he often literally cannot say.

Dr. Sax offers fresh approaches to disciplining children, as well as gender-specific ways to help girls and boys avoid drugs and early sexual activity. He wants parents to understand and work with hardwired differences in children, but he also encourages them to push beyond gender-based stereotypes.

A leading proponent of single-sex education, Dr. Sax points out specific instances where keeping boys and girls separate in the classroom has yielded striking educational, social, and interpersonal benefits. Despite the view of many educators and experts on child-rearing that sex differences should be ignored or overcome, parents and teachers would do better to recognize, understand, and make use of the biological differences that make a girl a girl, and a boy a boy.

Reviews:

“. . . a lucid guide to male and female brain differences. . .”
The New York Times
“Convincing. . . Psychologist and family physician Leonard Sax, using 20 years of published research, offers a guide to the growing mountain of evidence that girls and boys really are different. . . This extremely readable book also includes shrewd advice on discipline, and on helping youngsters avoid drugs and early sexual activity. Sax’s findings, insights and provocative point-of-view should be of interest and help to many parents.”
-New York Post

Check it out here – Why Gender Matters

Check out this video on why it’s important to take risks and why not taking risks will kill you.

Show yourself doing something different, snowboarding, adventuring, camping, travelling. Women love men who cut a path of their own. Show that you aren’t scared to go out and engage the world.

A photo of you and a few girlfriends works wonders, it says “I’m a cool guy and I have female friends. This is huge social proofing. Demonstrates that you are preselected by other girl, you must be a great guy. DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT post a photo of you and strippers, bikini models, hooters girls. This says the opposite about you.

A photo of you and your mom. Your relationship with your Mom says a lot about how you treat a woman. Girls look for a man that is close with his mom. Make sure you caption the photo “me and mom on her birthday/my birthday/at grad/etc”. You don’t want them thinking you are into older women now do you?

Show that you are good with kids, when looking for a suitable man kids comes in just as important as your mom. It shows you can be a leader, you can raise the next generation.  If it’s your kid well, good luck to you, I’m not sure how to proceed. Otherwise if it’s your niece, nephew, friends kid, etc make sure you label it as such, you don’t want the ladies thinking you come with a lot of baggage.