The man, the shirt, the results.

Last July, Myself, Xander and a few other friends descended upon the San Francisco Bay Area for a week of fun, excitement and “Woo”.

Xander was charged with being the best man, planning, arranging and putting everything together. He had a lot on his plate so I offered up my ideas and my labour to help him get everything he needed done. On the flight in we started trying to conceptualize the bachelor party. Sure, you can take a guy out to a trashy strip club, you can take him paint balling, golfing or to a shooting range.

What we wanted to do was show him a no rule, no limit night of fun. Think louder than 11.

Here’s how we did it…

2 weeks prior to the wedding we decided that t shirts would be needed, a form of peacocking for the night, a way to bring the team feeling together on our night out, and finally a way for us to help find each other in a crowded club. Our shirts were safety green and hot pink, it was impossible to not spot any of us from 1000 yards. Luckily we did not have to try to hide from the police.

2 days prior to the wedding was the day set for the bachelor party. Why? it’s enough time to ensure that all parties involved can be bailed out of jail, found on the roof of a casino, replaced, etc. Further more it allows all hangovers to be recovered from. We also used hotwire.com to find a cheap hotel room, we managed to get a $500 a night room in a downtown hotel for less than $100. This provided a base of operation as well helped set the tone for the night, imagine your friends taking you into a  5 diamond hotel (not star, diamond…) to start your night, remember, it’s always about context.

Once in the hotel we had a few shots, got ready, surprised the groom once again with the t-shirts and some good scotch to drink. He was already buzzing from excitement. This night was destined for greatness.

We had previously found out where his favourite pub was and started there for food and drinks. Xander called in advance to book a large table and get friendly with the manager. During this phone call he set it up that this place was the Groom’s favourite place and that we would be celebrating his coming nuptials.  This takes a page from “the bouncer is your friend”. On arrival the entire staff was aware why we were they and made us right at home, providing excellent service, free drinks.

Stay tuned for part two and the secret of the checklist…

Let me lay this out there first:

Things worth doing are hard, they are going to require effort and you are going to most likely have your ass handed to you numerous times until you start to succeed. Talk to anyone that is exceptional successful in their field and they will collaborate this theory.

Have a look at this graph (yeah, I know, it’s made in mspaint, but it’s here to get a point across, not to look pretty)

At the very start the difficulty of the skill shoots way up in difficulty, it will plateau and then as you become practised it will slowly decline until the difficulty is low. The red zone is the critical zone, this is where most people quit.

It’s too hard

I’m not seeing any improvements

It’s not worth my time

I don’t like it as much as I thought I would

etc.

In reality they haven’t given it enough focus, dedication and do not have enough drive. If you want to get good at something, continue, work hard (and smart) until it becomes easy.

Any stories of something you found difficult and have managed to become good or even great at? share them in the comment box below.

Sunset in the Jungle, something I have always wanted to see.

Whew, I almost ran out of content ideas, it can be a challenge sometimes to find a good topic to write about, especially since I’ve been super busy travelling the world. In the last 2 months I have been all over South East Asia doing somethings I have always wanted to do. Actually I have wanted to do these things since last Spring. Once they came to mind, I put together a plan, figured out the costs and then did everything I had to do to make sure they happen, now they are happening.

Stop number 3 has me at a Muay Thai training camp in Thailand, there are pro UFC fighters, World Champion Kickboxers and the like. On the other side of the coin there are are firemen, engineers, students, teachers, and store clerks. They realized that training Muay Thai was something they wanted to do and they are doing it, not to be the next UFC champion, but simply because they wanted the experience and the excitement that travel and learning can bring. These people have boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, jobs, children, loan payments, cars, homes and family back home. They come from places like Siberia, Germany, England, Brazil, Usa and beyond, some are wealthy some are poor, regardless they are here, getting the most out of the time they have. They stopped looking for the “no” (I can’t because of __________) and found the yes.

Meanwhile there are people sitting at home, constrained by their ideas, limitations of their minds they’ll come across someone that has travelled the South China, that has climbed the highest mountain in Europe, took salsa dancing in Rio or learned Russian in Moscow. They’ll say how much they have always wanted to do something like that but couldn’t because their favourite colour is orange or they like gold fish or some other reason that doesn’t really matter.

As you’ve already figured out I put a lot of energy into personal growth and development, reading, seminars, workshops as well as writing and teaching. Every so often I come across a program or book that is mind blowning-ly  awesome. This is one of those books.

Why Gender Matters

Regardless of your age, your gender or your views on sex you should read this book. It will help explain why and how you think as well as provide one of the greatest insights into the thoughts and wiring of the opposite sex. The knowledge in this book will help your interaction with the opposite sex as well as the interaction with your own sex.

Synopsis

Are boys and girls really that different? Twenty years ago, doctors and researchers didn’t think so. Back then, most experts believed that differences in how girls and boys behave are mainly due to differences in how they were treated by their parents, teachers, and friends.

It’s hard to cling to that belief today. An avalanche of research over the past twenty years has shown that sex differences are more significant and profound than anybody guessed. Sex differences are real, biologically programmed, and important to how children are raised, disciplined, and educated.

In Why Gender Matters, psychologist and family physician Dr. Leonard Sax leads parents through the mystifying world of gender differences by explaining the biologically different ways in which children think, feel, and act. He addresses a host of issues, including discipline, learning, risk taking, aggression, sex, and drugs, and shows how boys and girls react in predictable ways to different situations.

For example, girls are born with more sensitive hearing than boys, and those differences increase as kids grow up. So when a grown man speaks to a girl in what he thinks is a normal voice, she may hear it as yelling. Conversely, boys who appear to be inattentive in class may just be sitting too far away to hear the teacher—especially if the teacher is female.

Likewise, negative emotions are seated in an ancient structure of the brain called the amygdala. Girls develop an early connection between this area and the cerebral cortex, enabling them to talk about their feelings. In boys these links develop later. So if you ask a troubled adolescent boy to tell you what hisfeelings are, he often literally cannot say.

Dr. Sax offers fresh approaches to disciplining children, as well as gender-specific ways to help girls and boys avoid drugs and early sexual activity. He wants parents to understand and work with hardwired differences in children, but he also encourages them to push beyond gender-based stereotypes.

A leading proponent of single-sex education, Dr. Sax points out specific instances where keeping boys and girls separate in the classroom has yielded striking educational, social, and interpersonal benefits. Despite the view of many educators and experts on child-rearing that sex differences should be ignored or overcome, parents and teachers would do better to recognize, understand, and make use of the biological differences that make a girl a girl, and a boy a boy.

Reviews:

“. . . a lucid guide to male and female brain differences. . .”
The New York Times
“Convincing. . . Psychologist and family physician Leonard Sax, using 20 years of published research, offers a guide to the growing mountain of evidence that girls and boys really are different. . . This extremely readable book also includes shrewd advice on discipline, and on helping youngsters avoid drugs and early sexual activity. Sax’s findings, insights and provocative point-of-view should be of interest and help to many parents.”
-New York Post

Check it out here – Why Gender Matters

Show yourself doing something different, snowboarding, adventuring, camping, travelling. Women love men who cut a path of their own. Show that you aren’t scared to go out and engage the world.

A photo of you and a few girlfriends works wonders, it says “I’m a cool guy and I have female friends. This is huge social proofing. Demonstrates that you are preselected by other girl, you must be a great guy. DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT post a photo of you and strippers, bikini models, hooters girls. This says the opposite about you.

A photo of you and your mom. Your relationship with your Mom says a lot about how you treat a woman. Girls look for a man that is close with his mom. Make sure you caption the photo “me and mom on her birthday/my birthday/at grad/etc”. You don’t want them thinking you are into older women now do you?

Show that you are good with kids, when looking for a suitable man kids comes in just as important as your mom. It shows you can be a leader, you can raise the next generation.  If it’s your kid well, good luck to you, I’m not sure how to proceed. Otherwise if it’s your niece, nephew, friends kid, etc make sure you label it as such, you don’t want the ladies thinking you come with a lot of baggage.

Shouldn’t you feel like that all the time?

After watching that last video I got to thinking about something Tyler mentioned in “The Blue Print” regarding Ego Vs. Self Esteem. Here’s what he said:

VIA: http://realsocialdynamics.blogspot.com/2007/01/rsd.html

SELF ESTEEM:
-You’re born with it, just like arms and legs.
-It is indescribable — like MOJO or SOUL.
-You have it as a child until it becomes wounded (it takes years to find it again — and “re-remember” the self-esteem you had as a child)
-Feeds off of nothing, as it is self sustaining

EGO:
-A rational construct that we devise as a substitute for self-esteem (when it has become too wounded to provide confidence anymore).
-Getting status, making money, pulling girls — these things allow us to LOGICALLY tell ourselves “I have confidence”.
-Different from “self esteem” because self esteem is a INNATE HUMAN ATTRIBUTE whereas ego is a MAN MADE PSYCHOLOGICAL CONSTRUCT
-Feeds off of continual attention, accolades, good reactions, etc..

Now you could argue that EGO is a stronger form of confidence than self-esteem, because ego is based on something rational.

However, being even more objective, self-esteem is an INNATE CHARACTERISTIC and something you’re born with, just like arms or legs.

Remember — there is no logical reason for having it.

You just have it because you’re born with it. It’s innate.

So when someone says “That dude has way too much ego” they’re basically saying “That dude is leaning on some logical construct to give himself confidence, because he’s a wounded little boy who lacks self esteem.”

In other words, a guy with “too much ego” is coming from a place of weakness, not strength.

It’s not a bad thing to have ego — guys who transcend all ego are often weirdos who live cross-legged in caves.

It’s also great to go after the things you want, because it improves YOUR OWN QUALITY OF LIFE (ie: I choose to live in Hawaii, not a fat house in LA, because I love Hawaii — if I wanted to impress my friends I’d move back to LA).

However, if anything, ego should be layered ON TOP of self-esteem — not a SUBSTITUTE for self esteem.

If somebody pulls the rug out from under you, ideally it shouldn’t affect you emotionally because you have a foundation of self-esteem in place.

Now as for “being sucessful with women”………

Say you approach a girl, you must KNOW that “The self is coming through”

That means that you know that things like:
-Self esteem
-Masculine polarity
-Confidence
-Positivity
-Outlook (ie: Jeffy has a funny worldview, so his slight ironic demeanor shows this)

……..are always coming through to the girl, even if you just say “hi” and have a casual conversation.

Later, as the conversation progresses, things like:
-That you have your own tastes and values
-That you have your own identity and purpose
-That you have personal boundaries

…….will also start to come through.

This knowledge that “THE SELF IS ALWAYS COMING THROUGH” is the most INTENSE realization you will ever have.

Once you realize it, you realize you can approach with ANYTHING, and say ANYTHING, and the girls will dig it because THE SELF IS COMING THROUGH.

Think of it like “psychic powers” (even though they don’t really exist) — whether you’ve got a mansion or a yatch or a twelve inch battle axe…. or intelligence or street smarts or a worldly perspective –> the specifics are totally subjective and irrelevant.

If you have REAL SELF ESTEEM and you know that THE SELF IS ALWAYS COMING THROUGH, the girls KNOW that you’re the shit the second you open your mouth (or at least, when they “process” it, which may take a few sentences).

The day that this epiphany “clicks” in your head YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE.

NOW…

If you walk up to a girl and you don’t get a lot of attention right away, just like the driver of a high performance race car — a driver who KNOWS the calibre of car he’s driving won’t be afraid when he hits a scary curve because he knows the car will hold out (that the self will show through within a few more sentences); whereas a guy who doesn’t know what kind of car he’s driving will freak out and try to OVERCOMPENSATE.

Guy who knows what car he’s driving = tapping into self esteem

Guy who doesn’t know what car he’s driving and feels like he needs more “logical justification” to believe in it = tapping into ego

Or, IOW……

EGO = any time a girl doesn’t react exactly as you were expecting you get those needy hungry eyes and start pushing for a reaction (girls feel this and blow you off), or worse you just bail out YOURSELF to avoid any “contradictory evidence” that you’re anything other than the “pimp” you believe yourself to be.

SELF ESTEEM = you’re totally at ease with ANY sort of reaction, and once the girl feels that unreactive masculine polarity coming from you she opens up –> hence “knowing that in a few more sentences the SELF will surely start to come through.”

The core of what’s going through your mind must be:

-”I have SELF ESTEEM and I’m not even thinking about any rational reason for it — I’m BORN with this cause it’s the fuckin SOUL MOJO F-IN’ SUPER POWERS — and this is GOD’S WILL”

-”I know that the SELF is always coming through and the girls know exactly who I am the second they listen to me talk”

-”I know what I have to say is valuable because it’s coming from ME, and I know what I have to say is interesting because it’s an EXPRESSION of my personal tastes and people are curious about that” — just like a hot girl talking, and how whatever she says is interesting because it comes from HER

-”I don’t take ownership of their bad reactions — I’ve spent enough time taking failure as feedback and improving myself that if they react bad it’s probably THEIR issue not mine”

By installing these beliefs you stand head and shoulders above every other guy who can’t “be himself” around girls — because ego is ultimately a sign of UNHEALED WOUNDS whereas real self esteem is a sign of true VITALITY…..

Back when you were a kid you HAD self esteem (you were born with it) but it was wounded through adolescence and couldn’t provide that FUEL for your confidence anymore.

So to find fuel you created an EGO (sought out rational reasons for why you should feel confident) to carry the weight…

But at this point, you’re NOT THAT GUY ANYMORE and you’re SO EVOLVED (as Jay-Z would say) that *everything* about you (whether your physical body or self esteem) is stronger and not so easily wounded.

You can “re-remember” that old self esteem you used to trust as a child, and like a “big happy baby” you approach girls and all people with full expectation of a friendly response.

This all sounds funny, but it’s absolutely true.

It’s called “coming into your own.”

NOW…

As for that feeling you get on an “on” night, or as we call it “being in state”…

When you go out, use “game” to get girls giggling and giving you attention, and find yourself going into state, this is your ego in a FEEDING FRENZY.

Your ego is saying “Mmmmmmm… This is soooooo good. Keep it coming.”

This is the equivalent to putting your hands on two electrical sockets and just letting the current BLAST through you.

That’s why going out and being “in state” is so addictive and so yummmm.

However, confidence has to come from SOMEWHERE…

And the kind of high you get from tapping into EGO is like a DIRTY and ERRATIC high.

It’s a high where you’re totally in state, but even as you do another approach in the back of your mind you might say to yourself “Maybe I shouldn’t do this one because I might fall back out of state…”

Tapping into SELF ESTEEM based confidence you get a more stable high — a CLEAN and SILKY high.

You can feel that you’re in state, but it’s so much cleaner and there isn’t the slightest concern that that you might fall out of it.

It’s impossible to fall out of it – you’ve TAPPED INTO something that’s inside of you and you’ve hit the “sweet spot.”

That’s the “new” RSD and what this “game” is really all about.

Take Your Game On the Road

We sit in a bar completely engrossed in our conversation while everyone else is left to listen. We always seem to have competing stories when we get on “adventurous” topics and I’ll admit the score to date is still in her favour. The remainder of our friends often sit and drink in the ridiculous topic matter, or at least politely wait it out. Stephanie is an adventurous blond, a leader full of goals and ideals and yet is always open to having those challenged through intelligent banter. By all accounts she’s a catch: She knows how to flirt, she’s rarely reserved about any topics and she’ll put you in your place if she feels you’re out of line. Sometimes I wonder how it is that her and I met through this current network of friends – a politically charged group of young professionals who, though awesome in their own right, are far conservative on the social front than Steph and I. Steph is now off the market. In fact in three weeks I’m to play the music for her wedding service at a valley resort somewhere west of Halifax, Nova Scotia – and I couldn’t be happier for her.

“Oh, that’s called ‘Highway Flirting’”

Oh, it already has a title in Steph’s Book? Of Course. It was all I could think when Steph chimed in on my recount of a recent road trip adventure…

Xander’s “Choose Your Own Adventure” Part 2: Highway Flirting

“Me and a girlfriend had the same thing happen to us while driving to a concert in the earlier years of university, only when the guys in the Volkswagen asked for our numbers I responded with ‘36-24-34′”

Of course! Even Steph’s punch line was a little more story bred than mine… And delivered in a fraction of the time. The group all shared a massive laugh just as our server was delivering our late night food order. I sat in my head for moment, processing Steph’s statement before digging into my quesadilla – Here I sit before a woman who’s never picked up a book on the topics of of attraction and living life to its fullest and yet it’s been her experiences that have given her all the game she needs. She seeks out challenge and accepts it, craning her neck into any situation that will help her grow in ways the socially-passive team political-intellect wouldn’t think to do for fear of abusing the norm.

You don’t necessarily need the self-help books, inspiration poems or eagle-over-mountain posters to obtain this growth – you need experiences. To put yourself out there and challenge the world as Steph has done – creating her own experiences as she goes and using that as the catalyst for building and for growth.

And so the Nth round ends in your favour, Steph…
And in three weeks our games will have shifted for good…
I’ll be chasing your records while you go Pro…

Undefeated.

X

The Zone
By: Apex

“Suddenly I was nearly two seconds faster than anybody else, including my team mate with the same car. And suddenly I realised that I was no longer driving the car consciously. I was driving it by a kind of instinct, only I was in a different dimension. It was like I was in a tunnel.” –Aryton Senna, 3-time Forumla 1 World Champion

There’s a feeling that everyone has. It is difficult to experience, and even harder to describe. It’s that moment where everything you do is almost supernatural – things happen before you make them happen, all your goals seem to achieve themselves, and you can’t be stopped. This is your flow, your zone, your state.

It’s amazing when it happens. You’re on top of the world and you can’t be stopped. Everything you set out to do seems to happen on its own, beyond your control. You’re operating at full throttle, but it seems like you can accomplish so much more. You’re a passenger on the ride to success, but you reap all the rewards. You’re “in the zone” and you can’t be stopped.

This emotional state is the mechanism that drives success. It allows you to put all your anxiety, all your worries, all your self-doubt aside, and instead proceed with only your strengths and confidence. You are able to, proverbially, go outside your head. Proceed as if you are watching yourself from the outside, without all the inner doubt and ‘what-if’s’ of failure. Success is at hand, and you just need to go capture it.

Many people experience this state but don’t realize that it’s occurring. Most don’t reflect upon their route to success, and simply have not recognized this emotional phenomenon and chalk their successes up to good luck. Luck is not the answer. Luck is that one in a million circumstance that only occurs as a result of the entropy of the universe. Instead, success is usually a result of one’s ability to hone in their abilities, and use this honed state to take advantage of their circumstances.

The ultimate challenge is to put yourself in this state. It’s a mix of finding an emotional connection to your goals, embracing a feeling of invincibility, commitment, and embracing a routine. Watch any successful sports figure, executive, or the guy with all the desirable women, and you’ll see all of these things. The key is for you to find your own method of achieving this state.

So, how can you transpose this emotional state into success with women? You know you need to be in the zone where you don’t worry if you get rejected, get humiliated, or look like a fool. You need to act, and not worry. Everything you say has to be delivered with dedication, because people can sense if you are being ingenuine. If you say something excellent, it will show that you mean what you say. If you say something stupid, you don’t fret on it and mentally move on from the setback and continue. You need to have fun, and you need to show to everyone that you’re having fun. You need to act, but take the perspective of a bystander watching you act.

You will need, however, to have some basis for competency. You can’t step into a racecar with no training and expect to set lap records. You can’t just walk into an exam without studying and expect to ace it. Further, you can’t simply walk up to a group of women and expect to have a foursome within the next hour. Admittedly, if you’re that one in a thousand guys who has some innate talent, you’ll be a superstar. But for the rest of us, there’s a little bit of prep work to be done before you can just “jump in the zone” and conquer it all.

But once you have some knowledge about what it takes to achieve your goals, you’ll need to find a way to get yourself in that special mental place. So, how can you put your mind in this state?

This is a very personal mental transition – everyone has their own methods. Some of my friends like to put in their headphones and listen to specific music that helps them get in the zone (you’ll see lots of athletes walk into the stadium with headphones). Others need isolation – a total void of stimulus. Some may give themselves a pep talk. Others may need to shout and yell, jump up and down, or do something totally unexpected.

All of these methods have one common underpinning. They all allow for an individual to concentrate on his own self. Listening to music and being in isolation allow the elimination of unnecessary and unhelpful outside stimuli, and instead allows one to focus on getting into this special mental state. A pep talk is a conversation with oneself, about oneself, on the subject of the goals for oneself. Shouting, yelling, and jumping are all activities which are all totally self-serving and perform the function of reminding a person of his consciousness, sense of control, and ability to act of his own accord.

The key to getting yourself in this state is to pay attention to the times when you achieve it. If you find yourself in the zone, get a piece of paper and write down, or leave yourself a voicemail, telling yourself how you got here. Did you do something prior to getting here? What task were you trying to accomplish when you found yourself here? Were you feeling a certain way before you got here? What happened earlier in the day to get you here? Even seemingly inconsequential things like what you were wearing may have had an effect. Take note of these things and try to replicate them again.

This process of finding the zone is not necessarily an easy one. You’ll need to try various techniques to be able to get yourself there. Try a pep talk. Try your favorite music. Incorporate elements you recorded the last time you were in the zone. But, when you do, you’ll find yourself achieving more than you thought possible. It is important to spend some time in your everyday life to put yourself in this state. That way, when you meet a woman that you have a desire to talk to, maybe go on a date with, or maybe start a relationship with, you’ll be able to put yourself in this state and achieve what you want.

No doubt you’ve noticed that this piece hasn’t been focused solely on the issue of women – instead, it has the context of life in general. The reason for this should be clear. If you can get in the zone, you’re on your way to achieving any life goal. However, this holds especially true in the case of your relationships with women. Trust me. Get in the zone.

We missed a post last week. Things have been busy here at IDM (as we all are involved in other projects and it seems to be crunch time for most of us. Xander will be back soon with a new post and I’ll be writing some peices when I get back from the road.

In the mean time I have a few daily challenges for you to help get you outside of the box.

1. Sit down on the floor and take a breath. Next time you are at Starbucks, the grocery store. Have a seat and see how it feels. See how people react to you sitting in the middle of the floor. Live outside the box.

2. Meet 3 new people today. Try Xander’s technique of “Hi, I’m Xander” and extend your hand. See where it goes.

3. Feeling tired? a little bored? out of energy? Hit the floor and do some pushups. Does it change the wall you feel?